The Man Who Would Be Steve/Transcript
Abridged Episode #36 Watch ← Previous Episode → Next Episode Cast (in order of appearance): Yami, Mokuba, Kaiba, Marik, Odion, Joey, Tea, Serenity, Tristan, Steve 1, Steve 2, Steve 3, Steve 4, Duke, Steve 5, Mai, Steve 6, Bobasa, Grandpa Bakura Date: 16 March 2009 Running Time: 8:51 Episode Title: The Man Who Would Be Steve Transcript Credit Sequence YAMI: It's the Yu-Gi-Oh drinking game! Take a drink every time we mention "friendship". MOKUBA: Check it out bro! Joey's down there! KAIBA: Quick Mokuba! Land on top of him! YAMI: No wait, something's wrong! He looks slightly more brain-dead then usual. I wonder how this will effect...(Zooms in on YAMI's face) our friendship! (Friendship count: 1) KAIBA: I still say we land on him. Come on, it'll be funny. Intro Sequence (Marik and Odion are in a boat somewhere) MARIK: Once more, those fools have fallen into my evil clutches. Now I shall force Yugi to duel the one he loves most... and according to all the fanfiction I've read, that would be Joey. ODION: But Master Marik, it is obvious that Yugi is in love with Tea. MARIK: What? No way! That's insane! What kind of messed-up fanfics have you been reading? (Switches outside to the docks) YAMI: Joey! Snap out of it! JOEY: There is no Joey. There is only Steve. TEA: That's right, Pharaoh. Our names have both been legally changed. We take orders from Marik now. Tehehehehe! YAMI: Tea has been Steved! This is horrible... and yet strangely erotic. MOKUBA: They've been brainwashed, Seto! KAIBA: Personally, I blame the rap music. JOEY: In this duel, once a player's Life Points reach 0, they will have 30 seconds before the anchor drags them to the bottom of the sea. The winner will be given the chance to free himself. However, if neither duelist wins by the time the counter reaches 0, then they will both drown. KAIBA: Stop this duel immediately! It violates Battle City tournament regulations, just like 90% of the other duels that I refused to stop. JOEY: I wouldn't do that Kaiba! If you interfere in this duel, then your precious Tea will be crushed to death. KAIBA: No! Not Tea! ... Mokuba, which one is Tea? Is that the one with the pointy hair and the Bullwinkle voice? (Switches to Tristan and Serenity in the city) SERENITY: When I take off my bandages, I want the first thing I see to be my big brother playing a card game. TRISTAN: Don't hold your breath! I hear card games are very rare on this show. STEVE 1: We want the girl. TRISTAN: Hey, back off! I already called dibs. (Back at the docks) JOEY: It's useless Pharaoh. No matter what you do, one of your friends (Friendship Counter: 2) is gonna die. YAMI: Forget my "friends" (Freindship Counter: 3)! What the hell happened to my jacket? It's bloody freezing out here. TEA: Don't worry, Pharaoh! I shall sing the most beautiful song in the world and the Power of Friendship (4) will do the rest! Once upon a time I was fallling in love... YAMI(while Tea continues singing): Suddenly, drowning sounds a lot more appealing. (Back to Tristan carrying Serenity. They are surrounded by three Steves) STEVE 2: Looks like there's nowhere left to run, kid. TRISTAN: Bring it on, you lousy Steves! (one of the Steves gets hit by a die as "SexyBack" plays in the background) STEVE 3: Ahh, that barely hurt! DUKE: You guys are making me sexy. You wouldn't like me when I'm sexy. TRISTAN: It's the witch! (Back at the Docks) YUGI: Pharaoh! You have to let me take over! I'm the only one who can break through to Joey. YAMI: Oh yeah? How do you figure? YUGI: Have you seen my face? Seriously, I'm so cute people have mistaken me for a baby panda. Just one whimper out of me and he'll be the Joey we know and love again. YAMI: You mean you're not a baby panda? YUGI: Nnnope. YAMI: Wow, you're good. YUGI: Joey, you have to remember our friendship (5)! Remember that we are friends (6), and friends (7) don't give up on each other because of their friendly (8) friendship (9)! BFF (10), man! MARIK: Oh, what the EFF! is this bullcrap? I wanted to duel the Pharaoh, not this little dickweed! This gives me effeminate fury! YUGI: Take my puzzle, Joey. It used to represent my main character status, but now it's become a symbol of our everlasting friendship (11), and I want you to have it, but I swear, if you get so much as a scratch on it I'm gonna kick your blond butt into next week. JOEY: Yugi's... puzzle... MARIK: Do as I command, Steve! Take his puzzle and throw it into the ocean! The power of my midriff compels you! JOEY: I will obey... Master Marik. KAIBA: Wake me when somebody summons a God card. (Back in the city, with SexyBack playing it the background when Duke Devlin speaks) DUKE: Those Rare Hunters are right behind us! TRISTAN: We gotta get out of here! Did you bring your broomstick? DUKE: For the last time, I'm not a witch! TRISTAN: In that case, it looks like I'll have to do things the hard way. Take care of my love interest while I'm gone. DUKE: Don't worry, Serenity. You're in good hands with Duke Devlin. Very good hands. STEVE 2: Hey, get out of our way. We have official Steve business to take care of. TRISTAN: I don't think so! STEVE 5: Just who in the hell do you think you are? TRISTAN: The name's Tristan Taylor, and for the next 5 minutes, you guys are officially my bitches. (Mai almost hits Duke and Serenity with her car as they cross the street) MAI: Hey buddy, watch where you're walking! Didn't you see the red light? DUKE: Yeah, but I figured that it was just because I'm surrounded by hoes. (Mai's face looks shocked) Oh no I didn't! (In a park. The three Rare Hunters are sprawled around beaten) TRISTAN: What country are you from? STEVE 4: What? TRISTAN: "What" ain't no country I've ever heard of. They speak English in What? STEVE 4: What? TRISTAN: English, motherf***er, do you speak it? STEVE 4: Yes, I speak English! TRISTAN: Describe what Marik Ishtar looks like. STEVE 4: What? TRISTAN: Say "what" again! Say "what" again, I dare you, I double-dare you motherf***er, say "what" one more goddamn time! (Duke, Mai and Serenity drive up to Tristan) DUKE: Hey, Tristan, check it out! Can you say, "Duke Sandwich"? (Back at the Docks) MARIK: I command you to throw that piece of puzzle into the ocean! Friggin’, friggin’ do it! JOEY: thinking This is just like before, when I first met Yugi. (Flashback) YUGI: I won’t let you hurt them! They’re my best friends (12)! Even if they always steal my lunch money and give me wedgies and flush my homework down the toilet, beat me up, set fire to my comic books, and throw my ancient Egyptian artifacts into the pool. BULLY: I’m going to become a motorcycle-riding security guard. In the future! YUGI: What does that have to do with anything? BULLY: Nothing whatsoever! YUGI: It is heavily implied that you are kicking the everloving crap out of me! JOEY: thinking And as Yugi filled his pants with urine I finally understood the true meaning of friendship(13). (End Flashback) MARIK: Hey what’s the EFF!ing holdup!? Stop having a flashback and throw that EFF!ing puzzle. JOEY: No…I…can’t…do it… (Tea continues singing Total Eclipse of the Heart. Tristan and others arrive.) TRISTAN: What’s going on here? Why’s Tea singing? And why’s Joey dueling a baby panda? MOKUBA: It’s a long story. TRISTAN: I’ve got time. JOEY: It’s over Yugi! I activate Meteor of Destruction! YUGI: Joey! JOEY: Yugi! Oh god, what have I done! (Glass shattering sound. Marik’s control releases.) YUGI: You did it. MARIK: Oh no, what kind of cheesy Care Bears bulls**t ending is this!? YUGI: I activate Mystical Rift Panel! Now I can aim your attack wherever I choose to, Joey, and I choose myself. JOEY: Yugi! No! YUGI: I just wanted you to know how important your friendship (14) is to me, Joey. It means even more to me than cardgames. JOEY: You can’t mean that! YUGI: Yes, I do. And so, (sniff) I’m willing to sacrifice myself and go to the shadow realm in your place. JOEY: Um…yeah…about that…This isn’t actually a shadow game, Yugi. You’re really going to die. YUGI: Hey f**k off. Don’t yank my chain. JOEY: No, seriously, you’re going to drown. YUGI: What! Hey, I take it back! Your friendship (15) isn’t worth that much! JOEY: Nyeah? YUGI: Hell, Tristan’s a better friend (16) to me than you are! TRISTAN: In your face, Joey! STEVE 6: This isn’t looking good. I’d better kill the girl. KAIBA: Time to do what I do best! (Locks on to STEVE 6’s hand using VATS system from Fallout 3. Throws card and knocks controller out of his hand.) STEVE 6: Dude! Uncool! Who does that?! KAIBA: This is for making me waste a perfectly good trading card. (Tackles STEVE 6) (Song plays as Meteor of Destruction hits Yugi) YUGI: God, no friendship (17) is worth this much pain. JOEY: Yugi! Oh god I’ve gotta save him! (Serenity removes bandages from her eyes and opens them) SERENITY: I can see! JOEY: I’m comin’ Yug! (Swings from chain while making Tarzan yell.) Nyeaaa- SERENITY: It’s my brother! JOEY: -aaah! Whiplash! (Anchor falls, taking Yugi and Joey with it) TRISTAN: Come back baby panda! JOEY: thinking Must… risk life… for best friend (18). (Unlocks Yugi’s leg cuff) Goodbye Yugi. Don’t remember me as Steve. Remember me as Joey Wheeler. (Yugi resurfaces) EVERYONE: Yugi! MOKUBA: If Joey dies, can I have his trading cards? TRISTAN: Quick, somebody get this guy some bamboo! MOKUBA: ‘Kay. (Sees Serenity diving) Woah! (Serenity dives in and saves Joey. They resurface together.) JOEY: Serenity? You saved me. SERENITY: When I opened my eyes, the first thing I saw was you. I just had to rescue you, Joey, because no matter what happens between us I will always love my big brother. JOEY: Yeah, I didn’t get a word of that. By the way sis, you still owe me for those driving lessons. (Song ends) YUGI: Hey Joey, “How did it come to this,” I mean “After all we’ve been through? Two of a pair, now on opposite sides.” JOEY: Yeah, “From the very start with honor we’ve dueled.” ‘n stuff. “Watched each other’s backs and,” you know, “battled with pride.” YUGI: “We’re closer than brothers. And now we have to fight each other.” YUGI and JOEY together: “And we trust our fate to the heart of the cards!” TRISTAN: “No matter what!” YUGI and JOEY together: “We’ll let the games begin.” TRISTAN: “No matter what!” YUGI and JOEY together: “We’ll let the best man win.” KAIBA: thinking I love This Song. Ending: No Matter What plays (19) is the fourth [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yu-Gi-Oh!Jonas_Brothers Jonas Brother] (Stinger) BOBASA: I can’t wait to (bleep) his back. Break his back, make him humble, and then (bleep) his ass. (At a hospital) GRANDPA: Don’t worry, Bakura. Soon you’ll be right as rain and you’ll be able to play with your friends (20) again. BAKURA: thinking Oh, I can’t wait. Trivia * The words Yugi and Joey exchange at the end of the episode are the lyrics to No Matter What with Tristan singing backup. * Tristan's interrogation of Steve 4 is a direct quote from Pulp Fiction * Joey's quote when he saves Yugi is a reference to his quote as he saves the Exodia cards in Episode 3 * The "bully" in this episode is indeed Tetsu Ushio, who is a member of Sector Security in Yu-Gi-Oh! 5D's. Category:Abridged Transcripts